While browsing the "Internet Highway" recently, I came across an article on MSN's Men's Lifestyle section entitled, "Seven Steps Men Can Take That Will Lead to a Healthier Sex Life." Being of the male gender and curious about all things concerning sex and noticing that pictures accompanied each step, my interest was piqued immediately. I unplugged the phone, turned on some soft music, lit a few candles and began to read.
Now, I don't want to go off on a shallow thought here, but I had a couple of problems with the article. O.K., maybe more than a couple, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm all in favor of men having a healthier sex life. The experts agree that a healthier sex life equates into a healthier life in general for both men and women. Now, I'm not an expert and I'm not totally sure who these "experts" are and what thy are "expert" in, but will have to agree that a healthier sex life for men that equates to a healthier life for both men and women could be a very good thing. Maybe it would cause less arguing over why a sock wasn't picked up off the floor and put into the hamper where it belongs. There is always hope.
The main problem I had with this article will be obvious to those who know me. Most likely, it will be obvious to those who only vaguely know me. Come to think of it, it will probably be obvious to those who don't even know me, but have heard about me from those who vaguely know me. With that said, the main problem I had with the article comes in the form of a question. "In order for a man to have a healthier sex life, wouldn't said man have to HAVE a sex life?" And, would having scented candles around your bed, an automatic tissue dispenser on the nightstand and a poster of a 22 yr. old Raquel Welch in a white bikini on the ceiling constitute a sex life?
I asked these questions to a random group of friends, and the definitive answer was, "Well, that goes without saying." And, "No." Normally, the statement, "That goes without saying", would make me digress into a totally different subject, so, for those with short attention spans, I will save that tirade for another article.
For those who are still with me, the seven steps men can take for a healthier sex life are...
Step #1: Lose the Belly (accompanied by a picture of a man with a big belly). I'm not totally sure how losing your belly can lead to a healthier sex life, but am assuming it probably means giving up burgers and nachos. Telling a man to give up burgers and nachos would be like telling Tiger Woods to give up a few phone numbers. I don't see it happening.
Step #2: Do More Squats (accompanied by a picture of a man squatting). Again, I'm not sure how squatting can lead to a healthier sex life, but assuming it has something to do with regular exercise. Personally, I squat maybe 2 times a day and so far I haven't seen a healthier sex life. Telling a man to squat more would be like telling my Father to give up chocolate marshmallow pies. I don't see it happening.
Step #3: Get Serious About Lowering Your Cholesterol (accompanied by a picture of a man eating celery). Again, not sure how lowering your Cholesterol can lead to a healthier sex life, but it seems eating more celery and less burgers and nachos will do it for you. Don't want to repeat myself, but I don't see it happening.
Step #4: Eat More Walnuts (accompanied by a picture of BIG walnut). This step really aroused my curiosity. The step states that walnuts or anything that contains an amino acid called "arginine", because apparently, arginine promotes a process called "nitric-oxide release", which relaxes blood vessels and increases blood flow. The "experts", that I referred to earlier, have determined that increased blood flow is a good thing and I would have to agree. However, the phrase, "nitric-oxide release" scares me a little bit. It sounds like a line from a "B" science fiction movie from the 50's. "Take me to your leader or I will release nitric oxide on your private parts". For those who are still paying attention, arginine can also be found in almonds, beans, tuna and salmon.
Step #5: Pay Attention (accompanied by a rare picture of a man paying attention). This step poses these interesting questions. "Does it burn when you pee?" "Are you seeing blood?" Is there any discomfort when you adjust yourself? These questions raised this question for me. If you answered yes to any of these questions, how could you NOT pay attention? And the only discomfort I feel when adjusting myself is when I have to adjust myself in public.
Step #6: Get a Physical Once a Year (accompanied by a picture of a man with a big belly being examined by a Doctor). I don't really have a problem with this step. Full body cavity searches can be fun. I just wish my Doctor would light a few candles and maybe buy me dinner afterwards.
Step #7: Do a Self-Exam Every Six Months (accompanied by a picture of a man with a big belly, pulling his Fruit of the Looms out, and peering at his private parts). The instructions for this step are, and I quote, "Feel around your testicles for hardness and discomfort, and if you "sense" anything that feels like a knuckle, see your Doctor. There's a chance it could be testicular cancer." Now, I would never make fun of something as serious as cancer, but I agree this step can be a help in having a healthier sex life. Lets face it. If you lose "the boys", your chances of having a healthier sex life are slim. Not to mention talking in a higher voice.
In closing, you can decide for yourselves if these steps will lead to a healthier sex life. As for me, Im going to buy a 5 pound bag of walnuts, have a nice dinner of seared tuna over beans, smothered with almonds, light a few candles, and feel my testicles.
And that's my Deep Thought for the day.
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